Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
