Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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