Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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