Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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