Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
