I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
