My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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