I faked an abortion last night.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
