Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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