I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
