When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
