Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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