Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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