And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
