Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
