I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
