We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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