I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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