i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
