I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
