I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need water and some morals
Randomize
