The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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