When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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