when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this boner is exhausting
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You ruined the universe
Randomize
