The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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