i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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