We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
