I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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