Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
