I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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