oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
