apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
