I wish they made helmets for livers.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
