On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
