I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
