I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
