I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
