I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
