Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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