Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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