so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
