i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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