my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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