Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize