how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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