I like to think it a success when the cops are called
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
