just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
