Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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