Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize