Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
