connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Girls should come with a carfax report
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
