Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My penis needs a shock collar
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
