Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
