i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
