guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
