I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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