Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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