You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
