You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
