Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
