I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
