i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
