she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
