Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
